About Stupid Kid Names
Welcome to StupidKidNames.com. You’ll either love us or hate us.
We assume you’re visiting us because one of your friends or acquaintances has told you about StupidKidNames.com and was either:
a) horrified at the cruel manner in which we skewer parents and their decisions to saddle their children ridiculously self-indulgent and shamefully stupid names; or
b) delighted at the fact that someone is finally saying what you’ve been thinking every time some brain-dead fuckstick friend of yours has burst through your door swaddling a newborn named Paden, Breckstin, Trinja, Jaggart, Trixton, Alize’, Cearra, Kaydinn, or Dontraveontrelle.
Either way, welcome. We pretty much approve all comments, negative or positive, so knock yourself out.
This site is our forum for the merciless mocking of parents who give their children stupid names. Note that our intent is not to make fun of children themselves, because — well, that’d just be assholish. We have children ourselves, for God’s sake. What do you think we are, monsters?
We do recognize, though, that plenty of children will probably be Googling their own stupid names and find this site. For those of you who fit that description, we’re really sorry your parents were such narcissistic jackasses that they named you something outlandish and retarded just so their friends would think they were clever. You’re probably right at that stage where kids start hating their parents — and that’s good, because yours deserve to be hated.
Anyway, down to business. Unless you’ve been in a coma for the last 10 years, you know that the trend of saddling kids with outlandishly nonsensical combinations of random syllables has been getting worse and worse. Everyone knows there’s long been sort of been an under-the-breath joke about black families getting, er, creative about the pronounciations and spellings of some of their children’s names (our friend at stuffblackpeoplehate.com goes into much better detail than we, as honkeys, are allowed to) — but the truth is, white people are the equal of black-folk at giving their kids some seriously fucked-up names.
We’re not sure why it started happening, exactly. Some anthropology grad student will probably chime in with a comment in a couple of months, but until then, let’s have fun speculating. It seems to have taken hold sometime in the ’90s — around that time, “regular” names started to not be quite good enough anymore for the new mothers of the world. And by regular names, we mean names that are actually names of human fucking beings other than the one you just squeezed out of your vagina.
We’d explain further, but I don’t think we have to. If you live in the same world we do, you know at least a half-dozen airhead mothers or vacant-eyed couples who blather on about how they wanted their child to have a unique name so that they would be unique — and are blissfully unaware of the fact that all children are unique and a freakish moniker wouldn’t make things better or worse in that regard.
We used to just laugh it off, but the shit is just out of control now, to the point where we had to go public and unite some folks in a rebellion based on ridicule. If you’re the parent of a child with a name featured on this site, then we mean this from the bottom of our heart: You should be ashamed of yourself, although you’re probably too stupid to realize it. And honestly, what’s done is done, so let’s not focus on you.
However….if you’re knocked up and still deciding about baby names, be advised, sweetheart — we’re paying attention, and we’re finding new stupid names to profanely and tastelessly mock every day. You don’t want you and your kid to end up on here, do you?
The rest of you, enjoy the site in whatever way you choose. We love fan mail and hate mail both, and will probably reproduce it all with smarmy accompanying comments with the hate mail. Cheerio!
Your Doting Site Founders,
Lemonjello Reddenbacher & Orangejello Jenkins