Parker

by Lemonjello Redenbacher on May 27, 2010

For Chrissakes we get it, okay?  You are the trendiest parents in all the land.  The name Parker is “cool” and “edgy” — and really “special.”  He’s a fantastic accessory to your Mercedes SUV and country club membership.  He’ll play lacrosse with Trevor and eventually marry McKenzie after becoming smitten with her at her debutante’s ball.

But guess what?  You’re not as trendy as you think you are, because these days there’s at least one little Parker in every god damned classroom in the country.  And I’m guessing that your Parker will have at least 3 friends with the exact same name at his boarding school.

Take your McKenzies and your Parkers and shove them straight up your ass, people!

{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }

Yurik Hunt June 5, 2010 at 6:51 am

George Carlin did a spoof on names in one of his old standups and I’m pretty sure that Parker was on the list, along with Jordan, Tucker, Cameron, Todd, Blake, Blair, Kyle and Flynn.

To quote the great one, “Soft names make soft people. Fuck Tucker! Tucker Sucks!” and followed it up with, “10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinnie and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle and Tucker!”

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Lauren July 30, 2010 at 12:40 am

I’m confused. You insult this one because there are so many kids out there with this name, yet you insult Pacey for there being almost no one else out there with the name. o.O

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Lemonjello Redenbacher July 30, 2010 at 5:30 am

Yes…you are confused.

I insulted Pacey because it’s fucking stupid.

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Katie July 12, 2011 at 12:10 pm

You did Parker twice.

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Antonia October 8, 2011 at 7:26 am

Can’t agree with you more… Parker, Madison, McKenzie, Tyler, Roofer, Tucker, Buckley, Stryker, Stitcher, Tailor, and all their misspelled friends should be FORBIDDEN!

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Shea December 12, 2011 at 12:12 pm

Roofer??? Fucking Roofer is a name now??? On the bright side he/she can go by Roofie as a nickname, it’ll fit in with Sativa, Heroin, and Mary Jane.

Or…he can go by Roofer and open up a Roofing company and call it Roofer’s Roofers.

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butter March 2, 2012 at 5:44 pm

i know a woman with six kids: cheyenne, nevada, cinnamon, destiny, dakota and forget the other one… good luck keeping them off the pole with those names!

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danielle July 6, 2014 at 8:34 pm

Who cares what other people name THEIR kids? Fucking stupid

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Parker July 25, 2014 at 5:43 pm

You are mean Parker is a great name

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Lemonjello Redenbacher July 27, 2014 at 7:07 am

I may be mean, but Parker is not a great name. Not even a good name. Dare I say…it’s a stupid name!

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The guy October 6, 2014 at 9:20 am

So what names are cool

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Lemonjello Redenbacher October 6, 2014 at 1:32 pm

Bret’s pretty cool. John, Blake and Jack all work. And Amanda. Never met a bad Amanda.

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Parker Deloriane III October 29, 2014 at 1:26 am

What does Parker even mean? Is he the guy working as the valet at the country club?

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jack January 19, 2015 at 4:54 pm

this is a stupid kid lol

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Eddie Edward Hamilla III March 26, 2015 at 9:11 am

Parker is a cool name i know a Parker and he is my friend
he’s fucking awesome and will fuck your bitch any day of the week.

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Parker_1988 April 16, 2015 at 2:34 pm

I can say I have only met two Parkers in 26 years. Just saying

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Anonymous November 17, 2015 at 9:22 am

I have only ever met 3 Parkers in my entire life… just saying

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Anonymous December 6, 2015 at 12:33 am

I go to a pub school and play no sports, also I am definitely NOT rick.

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