Blaize

by Lemonjello Redenbacher on July 8, 2009

Here’s another case of “look that shit up before you saddle your kid with it, idiots!”  If little Blaize here was named before the internet and Google came along, I will give his parents a break (although the name still sounds like shit).

But in .11 seconds, a Google search reveals that the name Blaize means “lisp” or “stutter.”  So if the kid didn’t have a natural speech impediment, he certainly will after the first couple of years of relentless taunting and torment from the other kids about his shitty name.

Hey Mom — what’s his middle name, Harelip?  Jesus…why didn’t you just cut to the chase and fork his tongue and stick him in some elevator shoes?

{ 38 comments… read them below or add one }

golden July 23, 2009 at 11:50 am

ok so you assume that all the little kids are going to look up all the other little kids names? why? im pretty sure they have much better things to do. i named my son Blaze, without the i. i guess that makes me a terrible parent.

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Lemonjello Redenbacher July 23, 2009 at 12:18 pm

No, it just makes you an idiot. The fact that you look to parenting sites to guide you on what to name your kid, and how to raise him, makes you a terrible parent.

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Lemonjello Redenbacher July 23, 2009 at 12:25 pm

And yes, I do assume that kids will look it up. This is the internet age, Sweetheart. They look everything up.

And what in the HELL does a kid have that’s better to do than screw around on the internet? That’s the fantastic part of being a kid. Besides school, you NEVER have anything better to do than mess around. That’s why being a kid was great, remember?

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Natalie July 23, 2009 at 4:50 pm

Just curious- have you considered that “Blaize” or “Blaze” might be a variation on St. Blaise? I hardly think that constitutes a stupid name.

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Lemonjello Redenbacher July 23, 2009 at 4:56 pm

No, I hadn’t considered that. First of all, it’s not spelled the same. Second of all, just because the name is connected to a “saint”, it doesn’t mean it’s a good thing to name your kid. What — is everyone going to stop teasing him when he tells them it’s the name of a saint? I hardly think so.

Other stupid saint names include:

Capito
Anthimus
Ansgar
Gonzaga
Amaswinthus
Abanoub
Abakerazeum

And on and on and on….

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Horgar December 9, 2014 at 10:24 pm

I kind of like Ansgar.

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Lemonjello Redenbacher December 10, 2014 at 7:43 am

Goes well with Horgar, to be sure.

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Horgar December 10, 2014 at 12:53 pm

I just feel that Ansgar has a very nice ring to it. Very nordic, very alpha-male. It evokes images of a half-naked, leather-clad warrior wielding a mighty battleaxe and splitting skulls left and right. Hell, the name is almost as good a name as Horgar, which is just like Ansgar but also implies enormously big genitalia in addition to the pure, unbrideld masculinity the name invokes in the hearts and minds of feeble Englishmen and Colonials.

When Ansgar and Horgar thunder towards you on their majestic black Steeds of War and a bone-shattering warcry on their lips, you will tremble like lemonjello before falling to their cruel blades. The cold earth will drink your life’s blood as your soul ascends towards the Gates of Walhall, only to be refused entry into the Hall of the Fallen, as such is the fate of all those unworthy in the eyes of mighty Woden.

Anselm, though… that one is horrible and effeminate. You should make a video about it. Seriously, Brah.

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Lemonjello Redenbacher December 11, 2014 at 9:58 am

Congratulations – this is my new favorite comment!

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Natalie July 23, 2009 at 5:11 pm

I went to college with a guy named “Blaise.” Large football player- I don’t think anyone was teasing him about his name.

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Lemonjello Redenbacher July 23, 2009 at 5:17 pm

Was he born a large football player? I am guessing he wasn’t — and I bet they did.

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Natalie July 23, 2009 at 5:22 pm

I don’t know if he was or not- but I assume, if for any reason, he was teased more about his bright red hair- now that you mention it, kind of seems odd for his parents to name him “Blaise.”
What’s you opinion on a “Boy Named Sue?”

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Lemonjello Redenbacher July 23, 2009 at 5:27 pm

Well, I assume you can guess that I think it’s a ridiculous name for a boy. And, if I recall the story correctly, he became an alcoholic who beat the shit out of his own father. Classy!

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Natalie July 23, 2009 at 5:29 pm

I’m sure his father deserved it.

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Lemonjello Redenbacher July 23, 2009 at 5:32 pm

I could not agree more.

His Dad’s name was probably Judy.

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Natalie July 23, 2009 at 5:37 pm

You read my mind.

–Growing up, we had neighbors with three boys- Keith, Kerry and Kim. All fairly large and burly- I swear they had facial hair at age four!

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Lemonjello Redenbacher July 23, 2009 at 5:41 pm

I played football against a kid in 7th grade with a full beard. His name was John, or I may have tried to make fun of him.

Meh…maybe not….

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Natalie July 23, 2009 at 5:46 pm

I’m sure “John” was a cover-up for “Jade,” or the like.

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Lemonjello Redenbacher July 23, 2009 at 5:49 pm

Very good point. Man, now I need to look that guy up. Come to think of it, he was probably that Unabomber fellow…

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Natalie July 23, 2009 at 5:51 pm

You know, keeping your name a secret is a smart tactic- makes you seem cool and elusive, just like Spiderman! Let me guess, your name is Peter, isn’t it?

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Lemonjello Redenbacher July 23, 2009 at 5:53 pm

Very close. It’s actually Spiderman! I guess that means I lied — it’s not all that normal.

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Natalie July 23, 2009 at 6:23 pm

Well, at least it’s not Dr. Octopus.
Girls don’t like “busy hands!” Or, maybe we do. Just not eight of them.

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golden July 24, 2009 at 2:17 pm

i didnt look to the parenting site on how to raise my kid, people go there to find out what other people are going to think of the names of their future kids, im sure if they get enough negative comments they might decide against naming the child that name. for example, my husband wanted our third child to be named Winter Rain, if he was a girl, yeah i hated it, and didnt want to use it, so i went to the site to get others opinions, and they all agreed with me and helped me to find better options to give to my husband. well, better options to me anyway, im sure you wouldnt think so. also, whats so bad about not wanting your child to be the fifth jacob, or the seventh emma in their class?
i agree with you on a bunch of the names on here, alot of them arent that great, and are pretty stupid ideas for a kids name, like carbon, and kaiman, and whatever else was on here, but that doesnt mean that everyone not named, mary, rachel, john, or jacob has a dumb name. as i said before, its not the kids with the names , aiden, cayden, and whatever else thats super trendy right now that will be getting made fun of in school, it will be the kids with the more traditional names since there wont be very many of them. oh and im pretty sure kids have better things to do on the internet then look up baby names, um lets see, theres porn, cartoons, music, dumb movies, how to skateboard off the top of a car or some crap like that, you know things crazy kids like to do, unless they are a pregnant teenager, i dont think looking up baby names is going to be fun to them.

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Lemonjello Redenbacher July 25, 2009 at 8:26 am

Golden, your perseverance is amazing. Especially for someone who probably can’t even tie her own shoes.

I see you let your kids watch internet porn, huh? Do me a favor and ask them what their favorite sites are — I am looking for some new material.

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golden July 25, 2009 at 11:16 am

no i dont let my kids watch porn, geeze, you are dumb! yeah i can tie my shoes, im not as stupid as you think. just because i dont agree with you, doesnt make me stupid and you smart. i said kids watch porn, i was talking about the age group i thought you were referring to, such as an 11 year old. i didnt say my kids watch it, my kids are under the age of 5, they dont even get on the computer!

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Lemonjello Redenbacher July 26, 2009 at 3:23 pm

You probably shouldn’t let them watch porn when they turn 11, either. That’s not wise either.

There — I saved you some typing for advice over on your Mommy-do-good board.

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golden July 27, 2009 at 10:01 am

I wont let them watch porn, no. I cant control everything they do out of my sight though, now can I? If they do watch it at that age, and I find out about it, yes they will get in trouble.

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eegres September 6, 2009 at 11:57 pm

When I saw this I thought of the obvious stoner references that would plague this kid by the time he hit middle school.

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LOL BLAZE August 10, 2010 at 3:28 am

Exactly what i thought too lmaoo

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Sugar Tits October 7, 2010 at 2:39 pm

My friend told me that he was going to name his son Blaize, and my first thought was to kill him, but he is like a brother to me…and Id like to stay out of booty rape jail. Anyway, he got this name from a baby book his wife had and it had only one definition, “stammerer”. I know why he is naming his son this, (smokes a lot of pot), but he knows the definition and still loves the name. Im not saying the definition alone is bad, Im saying the name in general is horrible. What can I do as his friend to get him away from this name? Or is he just too stupid for help?

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Lemonjello Redenbacher October 8, 2010 at 8:30 am

That’s a very good question, Sugar Tits. I would probably need more info before I could definitively determine that he is stupid beyond repair, but the writing is definitely on the wall. Anyone who would name their child after their own love of an illegal substance is a) pretty fucking stupid and b) in no condition to become a parent in the first place.

And don’t get me wrong – I’m 100% for legalization of pot. But God damn – I like a lot of shit that I wouldn’t name my kid after. For example, I am a big fan of BBQ ribs. I would never name my child Baby Back.

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lmfao December 21, 2011 at 7:11 pm

Ok I’m 11 the only reason I went on this website is because I am bored. You people whoever names their kids names like those names did you really think that your kids won’t get builled???? In my primary school (I’m in secondary school now) their was/is this girl her first name was/is aston her lkast name was/is martin, way to go parents for naming their child after a car! Oh and by the way as I said I’m 11 and I wouldn’t look up porn and I’m pretty sure everyone else in my form doesn’t either

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Sarah January 4, 2012 at 12:08 pm

Blaze is the nickname of a drug dealer. Or shit maybe that’s his real name. Probably can’t get any other job cuz his name is fucking blaze…

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Tits McGhee April 17, 2012 at 8:14 pm

Unfortunately in your 5 second google ‘search’ you did little actual research. Yes the French and Latin meanings for Blaize are unpleasant however the Gaelic meaning is not and as someone from a family with several Blaize men going back 9 generations where it transitioned from a surname (meaning sharp like a blades edge, Scottish meaning by the by) and was given as an honored middle or first name. My Father was a Blaize and he was very proud of his name and no he was not teased or ridiculed for it and as a Vietnam veteran, retired Naval officer, Artists, father and friend to many I was honored to give it to my own son who at 22 has never once been teased for such a strong and long admired name.
So now you may snark at me and show your lack of education, intelligence, likely caused by your being teased as a small child. I only offered correct information for those who actually might be of a clan and are too far removed to have non tainted information as to it’s correct origin as a name.

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Lemonjello Redenbacher April 18, 2012 at 7:02 am

Your father sounds like he was a decent man. I wonder, though, how you could POSSIBLY know that he was never once teased? Unless – wait – are you Marty McFly? PLEASE tell me you’re Marty McFly. If you ARE, in fact, a time traveler, I will agree to say that Blaize is not a shitty name (although I will probably have my fingers crossed when I do it), if you tell me whose going to win the next Super Bowl. Headin’ to Vegas soon, so if you could be quick about it, that’s be great!

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Priya April 30, 2012 at 1:42 pm

That’s really not that stupid of a name.

It’s meaning is unfortunate, but it’s not the end of the world.

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Artistic&Proud September 21, 2013 at 6:58 am

I have only heard the name Priya once, and its amazing name for an amazing girl. Please tell me you’re Priya from Big Bang Theory. Please.

I was joking. Bazinga!

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Gem July 28, 2014 at 11:29 am

I know someone named Blaise, with an “s”. Probably cause people back then didn’t abuse the last letters of the alphabet..

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