Bristol

by Lemonjello Redenbacher on June 17, 2009

I have to jump on this one while the iron is still hot.  As you know, this is the name of one of the daughters of former VP candidate Sarah “I’m Hot As Shit, But Twice As Annoying” Palin.  Because of that, it will soon be as common — and annoying — as McKenzie.

I read that they actually named her after Bristol Bay, “where the family fishes.”  I shit you not.  I fish at Turkey Holler, but I don’t go naming my fucking kid Turkey, now do I?  No, I don’t.  I guess it’s a good thing they aren’t ocean anglers, otherwise we might have a Gulf Palin or a Pacific Palin.

And that’s not even the half of it — her other kids are Trig, Track, Willow and Piper.  Jesus…she and her snow blower husband have single handedly fucked up 5 entire human beings with the stroke of a pen on a birth certificate.

Not only did she go and name all of her kids after random places she’s been and words that confuse her, she also went and made herself famous.  Now she has opened the flood gates for the entire world to heckle the little bastards, and not just the other kids at Moose Knuckle Elementary.  It’s almost as if she’s trying to ruin their lives.

Sarah Palin is definitely the first, and possibly forever the most prolific, inductee into the “My Poorly Named Kids Never Had A Fighting Chance Hall Of  Fame.”  Since she has about as good a shot of being president as John Hinckley, I guess it’s not so bad.  At least she made it to the top of the heap in some arena.  I wonder if she can see Russia from up there?

Oh, and if you happen upon this, Sarah, don’t go begging for an apology because I hurt your kids’ feelings.  I didn’t do half of what you and Toddy did by naming them after state parks and types of trees.  I ain’t Letterman — so you can stick that apology up your beautiful, tight, jean-clad ass.

{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }

Orangejello Jenkins June 17, 2009 at 3:36 pm

Fine points all around. Not to mention the old-school rap anthem “The Bristol Hotel” by L.L. Cool J virtually guarantees that any girl named Bristol will grow up to be an HIV-spreading street whore.

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Dante Hicks June 11, 2010 at 11:37 pm

Huh. And here I thought they were continuing the white-trash tradition of naming kids after NASCAR venues with Bristol.

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Herdy-durr April 8, 2011 at 11:13 pm

Don’t forget Bristol Board, the preferred drawing material for starving cartoonists.

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Helga May 6, 2011 at 5:51 pm

All of her kids have those trendy-sounding, white-trash names. I’m surprised one of them isn’t named “Daytona”.

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Sha'Qweesha January 12, 2012 at 10:42 pm

If Bristol is on here, then you need to include Trigg and Track.

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Lemonjello Redenbacher January 13, 2012 at 7:03 am

Ummm…read the comment I posted. They’re in there.

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Captain Obvious February 24, 2012 at 9:16 pm

I laughed at “Moose Knuckle Elementary.”

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Herp De Derp May 14, 2013 at 10:34 pm

I thought that was just the name of a place in england!!! xD

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