Lymrick

by Lemonjello Redenbacher on September 17, 2014

There once was a dumb fucking mother

Who wanted a name like no other

He shot from her quim

She gave him this gem

Methinks that they both should be smothered.

 

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Calynthia (Dongle Mailbag)

by Lemonjello Redenbacher on September 14, 2014

We love reader submissions. They let us know we’re not alone in this endless, ill-fated war against stupid parents. We like to print what you send us and give you credit for it, so from now on, we’re tagging all of our reader-submitted stuff as “Dongle Mailbag.” Enjoy.

An anonymous fan gave us “Calynthia.”

“Swear to god I almost called this girl chlamydia on more than one occasion. What is wrong with good old Cynthia.”

Fuckin’ A, man. Cynthia is a really pretty name, I think. And chlamydia…well, that’s not pretty at all. Orangejello gets chlamydia at least once every couple of years and I have to take over running this site all by myself while he whimpers and sniffles in our office nap room about the burning and sores.

Calynthia is a stupid name. Thanks, Anonymous!

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Brogan

by Lemonjello Redenbacher on September 13, 2014

Ugh.  Talk about a turd.  I just said this name out loud and immediately upon hearing it I felt like someone had raped my ear.

I am guessing that Dad came up with this one.  It sounds like something a man would do rather than a woman.  I read that it’s traditionally an Irish last name, although apparently they do use it as a first name over there as well.  Cool.  They also get drunk in the morning and are the masters of domestic assault — but I bet you probably wanted that for little Brogan too, huh?

If you want a tough name, go with Chuck.  Or Mack.  Or fucking anything but this shit.  Here’s an idea — give your kid a normal name so he doesn’t have to be so tough all the time!

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Precious

by Lemonjello Redenbacher on September 12, 2014

News flash — we all think our little babies are so fucking precious.  We just have the will power not to name them that.  Know why?  Because it’s an adjective, not a name.  And also because most other people — you know, those people that have to deal with our little darlings on a daily basis — they DON’T think Precious is all that precious.

Plus — how ridiculous does this name sound when Precious is an adult in the waiting room of the doctor’s office?   “Precious!   Precious Jones!”  Everyone in the waiting room will be embarrassed for her — but not half as much as she will be for herself.

Name your dog Precious.  Name your kid something with some thought behind it.

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Syngen

by Lemonjello Redenbacher on September 11, 2014

This one’s a fan submission, and I quote:
“What the actual fuck.I have a friend who has a now 11 year old name syngen. Why kind of stupid fucked up name is this? It sounds like a company from a sci-fi movie…”

I’m with you, buddy. Is it pronounced like “Singin’ in the Rain”, or “Put out that campfire, it’s singein’ my pantlegs” or Shinjin, like the Buddhism thing?

Does it even matter? Is one better than the other?

Why do people do this to their children?

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Comments are working again

by Lemonjello Redenbacher on September 10, 2014

Muchos apologies from SKN headquarters here, folks. We upgraded to WordPress 4.0 the other day and it took us a few days to figure out why everyone stopped commenting. Well, apparently there’s a bug in WordPress 4 that disabled your ability to leave comments and even to see existing ones.

Sorry about that. We’ve now rolled back to an older WordPress version until we can get it sorted out. Feel free to continue telling us how awful/awesome/whatever you think we are!

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Canyon

September 10, 2014

New rule — geological formations and related items should be avoided when naming your kids. The following are unacceptable: Canyon, Rock, Glacier, Gorge, Chasm, Quarry, Crevasse, Cave and Pangea. Cliff sucks too, but it’s grandfathered in (as well as being short for Clifford).

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Knatalye

September 9, 2014

Holy fuck. You fucking parents went all in on this one. This is pronounced “Nat-a-LIE”…not “Nat-a-LEE” mind you, but Nat-a-LIE. As in, “They did NOT name their kid that. That’s a goddamned lie.” Yeah, fuck it, I mean — KN makes an “N” sound doesn’t it? Then why the fuck not, huh? Would’ve been even […]

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Miata

September 8, 2014

Ah. The ol’ car name rears its head again. You know, at least with names like Mercedes and Bentley, Mom was at least shooting for the stars. The kid’s never going to drive one of those (because her gene pool is tainted by the likes of a mom who would name her after a car), but […]

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Daxton

September 4, 2014

How did it take us so long to get the bright idea to put a “Submit Your Own Stupid Kid Name” form up on this site? Just thought of it yesterday and BAM, y’all serve me up a juicy one like Daxton. Our first user-submitted name through the form. The comments from our submitter are […]

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Check it out y’all! We got a YouTube channel!

September 1, 2014

Hola, friends. You might’ve noticed the last month or so we’ve been talking a bunch of shit about how funny our audiobook guy is when he reads our posts about awful names, but it feels like kind of a dick move to tell our fans they have to shell out their hard-earned dollars to enjoy […]

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Free books for all you guys!

July 21, 2014

OK, not technically all of you. But check it out — Audible.com has given us 25 free download credits for the audio version of 100 Terrible Names for a Baby, Volume I. You guys have to check these out if you haven’t heard them, because they are literally 100 times funnier than reading them on […]

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Jurnee

July 15, 2014

So, I was eating at this buffet restaurant last night. I’m not proud of it, but I was hungry. It was one of those places that are just deeply fucking depressing to step foot in because 70% of the people there are just morbidly fucking obese and I’m pretty sure at least one person has […]

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Hey guys. We wrote 2 more books.

July 15, 2014

Dude, I told you we were working hard. In just a few weeks, we have cranked out Volume 2 and Volume 3 of “100 Terrible Names For a Baby.” And we’re hard at work on another project as we speak (hint: IT’S VOLUME FOUR). Volume 2 and Volume 3, as promised in our earlier post […]

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Afrika

July 7, 2014

$10 says that the parents have never even been to Africa. I wonder why some African-Americans name their kids things like Afrika?  Or better yet, I wonder why Caucasians DON’T name their kids Europe?

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So, we wrote a book.

June 4, 2014

Hello, friends. It’s been too long since our latest check-in, but I’d like to think we have a good reason that you’ll forgive us for: We’ve been writing a book based on this site. Our first volume is out on Amazon, and it’s called “100 Terrible Names for a Baby, Volume 1.” Volume 2 will […]

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Chirp

December 31, 2013

Like the sound a fucking bird makes.  Is this the start of some fucking trend?  Are we going to see Caw or Gobble soon too?

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Lynnyx

December 30, 2013

Just fucking end this year already!

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Elizabet

December 28, 2013

If you say this out loud it sounds like you were about to address someone named Elizabeth and you got interrupted.

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Hayzie

December 27, 2013

This name also describes Mom’s mental state.

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McShayla

December 26, 2013

If this name were anymore Irish, this girl would get drunk & beat the shit out of herself!

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Blathasar

December 25, 2013

Stick this piece of shit in your pipe & smoke it! Merry Christmas, Motherfuckers!

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Maxton

December 24, 2013

I hope Santa brings his parents a swift kick in the ass tonight.

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Reignbeau

December 23, 2013

The rare hippie-hipster name combo.

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M’Syah

December 21, 2013

Get it yet?  It’s Messiah.  That shit is bad enough when spelled properly, but Christ – when you spell it like your keyboard as Tourette Syndrome it’s 100 times worse.

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