Kemigarbi (Dongle Mailbag)

by Lemonjello Redenbacher on October 30, 2014

My friend Trey just explained to me that his dad was thinking of calling him Kemigarbi. Kemigarbage? I’m crying.

Are you crying from laughing, or sadness?  Because either one would be completely appropriate in this situation.

Kemigarbi sounds like the name given to a stillborn Pokemon’ character.

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Blisten (Dongle Mailbag)

by Lemonjello Redenbacher on October 28, 2014

I saw a blogger with this name, and I wondered how the hell her parents could’ve held their baby girl and thought that it should be given a name sharing all but one letter with a synonym for ‘pustule’.

Well, I’m sure the rampant herpes on both parents’ genitalia had something to do with it.

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Ciaran (Dongle Mailbag)

by Lemonjello Redenbacher on October 27, 2014

Pronounced Kieran, which is also just a really stupid name.

Wow!  This is the rare but classic – “Let’s make up an entirely new word, turn it into a name, and THEN fuck with the spelling of the initially made up name to make up a new name so it’s more unique than the name we just made up!”

Clever move, Mom & Dad.  Clever move indeed.

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Anden (Dongle Mailbag)

by Lemonjello Redenbacher on October 26, 2014

Would love to email you the pic of the 3 kids in this awfully named family: Anden, Jadon and Rhoen. Sounds like 3 special kids destined to spend their teenage years shoved in lockers.

I would love that too, dear reader.  Not because I give much of a shit about Anden (although it obviously qualifies as a shitty name) – I am just wondering what a Rhoen looks like?  Is that pronounced “rain?”  Or is it Rowan?   What the fuck is wrong with these parents?  Was fucking up 1 life not enough?

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Autumm (Dongle Mailbag)

by Lemonjello Redenbacher on October 25, 2014

From a reader who, ummm, apparently can read, despite his obvious lack of an ability to write:

This name is soo , stuping . I got a friend named Autumm and they get all mad because i accedently call him adam sometimes . like seriously its not fucking fall time 24/7.

Yeah, I know – but let’s not let the obvious take away from the fact that there is a BOY out there named Autumm!  I used to date a stripper whose stage name was Autumn, and even she was smart enough to name all of her illegitimate kids Tanner or Skylar, but never Autumm.

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Turkey (Dongle Mailbag)

by Lemonjello Redenbacher on October 24, 2014

SHUT THE FUCK UP!  Turkey?  There is a woman named Turkey, people!  All hands on deck!  Move us to DEFCON 2 & get the President on the horn – this shit is getting serious!

Turkey is a grown woman and art director an art gallery.  I thought it might be a nickname, but I checked public records and it’s her actual first name.

I’ve been staring at my computer screen for half and hour in disbelief now.  I can’t decide what is more unlikely – an actual human being named Turkey, or the fact that she apparently made it to adulthood with that name.

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Mackson (Dongle Mailbag)

October 23, 2014

Here’s one one of you crazy bastards submitted – Mackson: Popped up on my newsfeed. It’s a girl unfortunately, at first I thought it was a nickname, but then it was written on the hospital bracelet. Poor kid had no chance from the get go. Was she in the hospital at birth, or was this […]

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Mysticats (Dongle Mailbags)

October 22, 2014

Mysticats sounds like a strip club for dogs.

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Nixon (Dongle Mailbag)

October 21, 2014

Sorry for the absence, folks. Orangejello were on a month-long bender, and in rehab they don’t let you use the Internet. This comes from Mark from parts unknown: Everyone in the family tried explaining to them how unfortunate it would be to name their baby boy Nixon. Another case of Millennials having no knowledge or […]

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Volume 4 is here!

September 25, 2014

Aloha, gang. Just a little note to tell you that 100 Terrible Names For A Baby, Vol. 4 is now available on the Kindle store. It’s free if you’re a Kindle Unlimited subscriber, $4.99 if you’re not. The names will be familiar to longtime SKN diehards, but the commentary is 95% all-new — angrier, more […]

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Dakota and Cheyenne

September 24, 2014

If you want to name your kid something that really mimics the spirit of the old West, name it Cholera, Small Pox or Opium Den.

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Jette (Dongle Mailbag)

September 23, 2014

Today’s entry is from our mailbag, which is overflowing, by the way. Thanks for all the stupid name submissions we’ve been getting lately. Keep ‘em coming! My sister has to be special so she named her daughter Jette. I guess the other “te” is so in case the kid gets fat as hell they can’t […]

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Melena

September 22, 2014

Classic case of “do your research”, folks. Just because it sounds pretty doesn’t mean that it is. Far from it in this case. Melena is a medical term that refers to the “black, tarry feces that are associated with gastrointestinal hemorrhaging.” It’s shit, people. Dark, black shit.

Yeah — let the kids on the playground get a hold of THAT little nugget of info.

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Wriggley (Dongle Mailbag)

September 21, 2014

The Cubs fucking suck. You suck, Mom and Dad, for liking the Cubs. You suck even worse for naming your kid after a baseball park. You suck even worse for naming your kid after a baseball park that hosts the shittiest team in the history of Major League Baseball. You suck even fucking worse for […]

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Unique (Dongle Mailbag)

September 20, 2014

From a fan: I work in customer service and I actually had a customer come in with this name. A person is really walking around somewhere with the name Unique. I just cant anymore. People have gone from naming their kids normally to making it into a game. Who can be the most Unique? Well […]

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Ter’Kevia (Teacher Mailbag)

September 19, 2014

While we of sound child-naming mind are surely in the minority these days — a very, very small, overwhelmed minority — we do have a potent asset on our side: teachers. ALL YOUR TEACHERS ARE BELONG TO US, stupid parents. That’s right. You know where we get the majority of our submissions from? Teachers. Your […]

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Jaxxon

September 18, 2014

How many fucking Xs do you need? May as well have gone with JaXXXon so when he’s doing gay porn in 18 years he won’t have to fret over a stage name.

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Lymrick

September 17, 2014

There once was a dumb fucking mother Who wanted a name like no other He shot from her quim She gave him this gem Methinks that they both should be smothered.  

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Calynthia (Dongle Mailbag)

September 14, 2014

We love reader submissions. They let us know we’re not alone in this endless, ill-fated war against stupid parents. We like to print what you send us and give you credit for it, so from now on, we’re tagging all of our reader-submitted stuff as “Dongle Mailbag.” Enjoy. An anonymous fan gave us “Calynthia.” “Swear […]

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Brogan

September 13, 2014

I just said this name out loud and immediately upon hearing it it felt like someone had raped my ear.

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Precious

September 12, 2014

News flash — we all think our little babies are so fucking precious. We just have the will power not to name them that. Know why? Because most other people — you know, those people that have to deal with our little darlings on a daily basis — they DON’T think Precious is all that precious.

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Syngen

September 11, 2014

This one’s a fan submission, and I quote: “What the actual fuck.I have a friend who has a now 11 year old name syngen. Why kind of stupid fucked up name is this? It sounds like a company from a sci-fi movie…” I’m with you, buddy. Is it pronounced like “Singin’ in the Rain”, or […]

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Comments are working again

September 10, 2014

Muchos apologies from SKN headquarters here, folks. We upgraded to WordPress 4.0 the other day and it took us a few days to figure out why everyone stopped commenting. Well, apparently there’s a bug in WordPress 4 that disabled your ability to leave comments and even to see existing ones. Sorry about that. We’ve now […]

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Canyon

September 10, 2014

New rule — geological formations and related items should be avoided when naming your kids. The following are unacceptable: Canyon, Rock, Glacier, Gorge, Chasm, Quarry, Crevasse, Cave and Pangea. Cliff sucks too, but it’s grandfathered in (as well as being short for Clifford).

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Knatalye

September 9, 2014

Holy fuck. You fucking parents went all in on this one. This is pronounced “Nat-a-LIE”…not “Nat-a-LEE” mind you, but Nat-a-LIE. As in, “They did NOT name their kid that. That’s a goddamned lie.” Yeah, fuck it, I mean — KN makes an “N” sound doesn’t it? Then why the fuck not, huh? Would’ve been even […]

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