Free books for all you guys!

by Lemonjello Redenbacher on July 21, 2014

OK, not technically all of you. But check it out — Audible.com has given us 25 free download credits for the audio version of 100 Terrible Names for a Baby, Volume I. You guys have to check these out if you haven’t heard them, because they are literally 100 times funnier than reading them on paper, and that is 100% thanks to our narrator, a dude named Bill Fisher. If any of you fuckers are old enough to remember how Casey Kasem sounded on American Top 40 way back when — that’s exactly what Fish sounds like. Except, of course, he’s reading our extremely filthy shit, and it is fucking hilarious.

Anyhow, Audible.com gives us these free codes with the idea that we’ll give them to reviewers, but fuck that — you guys are the ones that keep our site going, so you’re the ones getting the free books, not the reviewers.

Posting the review codes here wouldn’t work, because people would be trying to use the same codes over and over, etc. So here’s the deal — just email us at johnnydongle@outlook.com, and we’ll send the first 25 of you guys a free download code. When they’re all used up, I’ll post a comment letting you know. That way none of you guys have to publicly post your email address and identify yourself as the kind of vermin who actually enjoys what we write.

Enjoy the Fish-narrated version of our shit! You’ll love it. And by the way, I told Fish I’d give him a bump here, so if you need any voice work by a balls-out master of hilarity, check out Fish’s services here.

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Jurnee

by Lemonjello Redenbacher on July 15, 2014

So, I was eating at this buffet restaurant last night. I’m not proud of it, but I was hungry. It was one of those places that are just deeply fucking depressing to step foot in because 70% of the people there are just morbidly fucking obese and I’m pretty sure at least one person has a stroke or a heart attack every couple nights right there on the fucking floor next to the hot biscuits and garlic bread station. It reminded me of some sort of Make-a-Wish Foundation hospice for Type-2 diabetics who are just throttling down as much spaghetti and Szechuan chicken and carrot cake and vanilla pudding as possible before they ride the Big Marte Carte in the sky.

To protect the identity of the place, let’s call it “Colden Gorral.” Anyhow, I was paying for my dinner and the chick who was running the cash register was named “Jurnee.”

And at that very moment — I stopped believin’.

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Hey guys. We wrote 2 more books.

by Lemonjello Redenbacher on July 15, 2014

Volume 2 is outstanding.

So is Volume 3.

Dude, I told you we were working hard. In just a few weeks, we have cranked out Volume 2 and Volume 3 of “100 Terrible Names For a Baby.” And we’re hard at work on another project as we speak (hint: IT’S VOLUME FOUR).

Volume 2 and Volume 3, as promised in our earlier post heralding our arrival as soon-to-be Pulitzer winners, is 95% new material. You may recognize some of the same names, but the vicious, needlessly brutal and shamefully vulgar commentary is all new. The hate and ridicule just keeps on spiraling out of control. You’re welcome.

Like everything we write, we’re pretty sure you’ll like it, and if you don’t, you can return it to Amazon for a full refund. They’re both $4.99.

Thanks again for all of your support! As usual, keep sending us terrible names you find in real life. We promise to publicly shame the parents in future volumes!

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Afrika

by Lemonjello Redenbacher on July 7, 2014

$10 says that the parents have never even been to Africa.

I wonder why some African-Americans name their kids things like Afrika?  Or better yet, I wonder why Caucasians DON’T name their kids Europe?

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So, we wrote a book.

by Lemonjello Redenbacher on June 4, 2014

Click on the book to buy this fucker.

Hello, friends. It’s been too long since our latest check-in, but I’d like to think we have a good reason that you’ll forgive us for: We’ve been writing a book based on this site. Our first volume is out on Amazon, and it’s called “100 Terrible Names for a Baby, Volume 1.” Volume 2 will be out in July. There will be many future volumes, because, as you know, these shitty names just keep on coming.

The book uses names from our older posts, but most of the commentary is brand-new. I’d say in Volume 1, it’s 70% new stuff, and in Volume 2, it’s more like 90%. The content of the book is WAY more profane and vulgar than the website, btw.

We wrote the book under the pen name of “Johnny Dongle.” That just came to Orangello in a dream one night, so we decided to go with it.

Anyway, if you’re reading this you’re likely to be someone who appreciates the writing we do here, so we wanted to let you know about it. If you like this site, we’re pretty damn certain you’ll love the book. If you don’t, you can return it to Amazon for a full refund. Oh yeah, it’s $4.99.

Right now, the Kindle version is the only one available. The print version should be available by the end of June, in case you’ve got a baby shower coming up for a thick-skinned mother-to-be. Remember, you don’t need a Kindle to read Kindle books; all smartphones have Kindle apps, and even if you’re not a smartphone user, there’s a free program for reading this shit on your desktop computer (I can’t imagine actually wanting to do that, but hey, it’s your funeral).

Thanks to all of you guys for your support! It’s nice to know there’s people who enjoy the awful things we say about other people’s children. And as always, keep sending us the horrible, horrible names you run across. We’ll get them into an upcoming volume, I swear to fucking god we will.

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Chirp

by Lemonjello Redenbacher on December 31, 2013

Like the sound a fucking bird makes.  Is this the start of some fucking trend?  Are we going to see Caw or Gobble soon too?

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Lynnyx

December 30, 2013

Just fucking end this year already!

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Elizabet

December 28, 2013

If you say this out loud it sounds like you were about to address someone named Elizabeth and you got interrupted.

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Hayzie

December 27, 2013

This name also describes Mom’s mental state.

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McShayla

December 26, 2013

If this name were anymore Irish, this girl would get drunk & beat the shit out of herself!

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Blathasar

December 25, 2013

Stick this piece of shit in your pipe & smoke it! Merry Christmas, Motherfuckers!

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Maxton

December 24, 2013

I hope Santa brings his parents a swift kick in the ass tonight.

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Reignbeau

December 23, 2013

The rare hippie-hipster name combo.

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M’Syah

December 21, 2013

Get it yet?  It’s Messiah.  That shit is bad enough when spelled properly, but Christ – when you spell it like your keyboard as Tourette Syndrome it’s 100 times worse.

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Amarillo

December 20, 2013

Holy shit – these people apparently gave birth to a 78 year old poker player!

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Squirrel

December 19, 2013

  Squirrel noun: an agile tree-dwelling rodent with a bushy tail, typically feeding on nuts and seed. Great fucking idea, Mom & Dad!

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Baja

December 18, 2013

Welp – now we’re naming our kids after burritos.  Congratulations, America – we’re officially baby name bankrupt!

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Lavender

December 17, 2013

This name is only acceptable if you’ve given birth to a full grown ghetto stripper.

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Branndi

December 16, 2013

FUCK YOU!

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Kizziera

December 14, 2013

I have a rule that any “name idea” containing a “zz” should be scrapped.

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I-Asia

December 13, 2013

I guess it’s better than I-Antartica? Maybe?

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Tustin

December 12, 2013

I tried to research this name, but the results I got were for some city in California instead.  The city was described as the “perfect balance of hood & good.” So, if the parents were shooting for that, maybe this kid will be a straight A student with a penchant for selling crack.

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Randydawn

December 11, 2013

…you’ll know well in advance that you’ll have to vie for attention time with 1-3 illegitimate kids and/or a pet snake.

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Kale/Cale

December 10, 2013

Good health food, shitty name.

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Gilley

December 9, 2013

This is not mean spirited – hell, it’s not even that stupid, to be honest.  But come on – GILLEY?  That’s just fucking ridiculous.   It sounds like the noise you make when you’re tickling an infant’s chin, trying to get her to laugh.  Ahhhh….gilley, gilley, gilley, gilley…..Ahhhhh….gilley, gilley, gilley…

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